It's already January 6 today and I was supposed to write an NYE post last year - wow, how long ago was that? Instead of writing, I checked out Netflix for more cheesy holiday movies and settled with New Year's Eve. I didn't even know that such a movie existed but in the spirit of NYE, I watched it while the two boys slept way ahead of me. 

It feels like I slept through the entire 2019 then just woke up in 2020. Anyway, today is NOT my normal. It's 8:09 AM and I'm already up in my ninja cave writing this blog post. It's the first day back to class for Reiko so I also had to wake up early to make sure he goes to school on time. Getting up from bed and actually doing something this early (in my book) is kinda new to me. 

I've been a nocturnal creature since forever so obviously, I always sleep in and wake up at noon - the latest STILL acceptable time to me is 3 PM granted that I don't have any scheduled appointments or important errands. So you see I totally forgot how it feels to work in the morning, although I'm hiding in my cave now with the curtains down and the door closed so there's no sunshine coming in. You get the drift. 

I'm writing this very personal blog post in this likely personal blog because I just want to get my thoughts out. I wanted to write in my journal but --- btw, it's crazy I have Grammarly extension for work on this browser and it's always correcting my use of preposition while writing this blog post, uggghh, can I just write on my blog without worrying about preps?! -- ok back to topic. So I wanted to write on (in?) my journal but quite honestly, my hands are too tired for writing on paper right now which brings us here. 

The past few weeks leading up to the new year was a bit of pressure to me. I felt like I needed to put myself together and prepare my goals strategically and make 2020 the best year ever!! I mean - don't we all want the new year to be the best ever? Of course. The truth is I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO NEXT. 

I forgot when I stopped writing new year's resolutions. I guess I stopped when it was realistic enough to understand that 99% of resolutions don't really happen. I ditched that tradition and started writing goals instead. However, writing goals also felt like I had to check off an impossibly loooongggg to-do list. I mean, I always advocate for goal-setting. I do have goals, don't get me wrong. 

But I don't know, sometimes I just have a lot in my mind and usually, I end up doing things that I did not really plan. That's why instead of writing hard goals, I come up with a power word every year. This year my word is PURPOSE. And then everything I do this year I make sure they're aligned to my power word. 

GOALS change. Just last night, I had a GOAL and a few hours of self-talk and realizations after, I changed my goal. The word PURPOSE reminds me that everything I do should come from my heart. Everything I do is something I really want to pursue and not what others want me to pursue. I think a lot of the things I did in the past few years were dictated by society, by social media. In turn, I ended up unhappy because I did not find value in those things and in the grand scheme of things, I did not find happiness too. Those things just burned me out and stressed me to my core.


I actually feel a bit more at peace with myself now. I'm still a work in progress but I feel more confident and secure compared to the past few years. I have long accepted my flaws and differences which led me to be more accepting of who I really am and what I really want to be. 

Many times in this generation, we do things because of societal pressure and this takes a toll on our mental health big time. With so much content to consume from different people, real and so-called experts online and offline, you bet you will have a hard time sifting through the noise. This is why it's been a struggle for me to really listen to myself and my heart - what I really want to do. I have limited my content consumption only to people I resonated with online. 

As a content creator, I also just focused more on creating content rather than consuming content and I'm going to continue doing so in 2020. Last night, after watching videos of some YouTubers I admire, I have come to terms that - THIS IS IT - I'm gonna do what my heart tells me to do and only focus on things that add value to my craft and to my life. 

A good example is when my YouTube viewers would ask me to do a video on something I don't have expertise on or something I don't want to do. Those videos would probably rack up views and all those vanity metrics BUT will those videos make me fulfilled? Will those videos add value to my craft? Probably yes, but probably not this time. I have to learn to slow down and not do things half-baked before I hit a wall and hurt myself in the process. 

Another example - my audience wants English courses and personal coaching/training sessions. Some are willing to pay but there are some who wanted it free. Because it is what my audience wants, I spent some time researching about how to start and go about this process. Then I just didn't know what to do next so I got stuck somewhere out there trying to fill a need but didn't know how.

Not too long after, I started stressing out and feeling pressured because I MUST complete this course. And I'm not even sure how many of my viewers are willing to pay for my services. Obviously, it's NOT just about money. But obviously again, it's also about money when this sort of thing is hopefully gonna be one of your stable sources of income in the future plus when you decide to spend a big chunk of your time for it. *Sigh. Adulting is tough.

Actually, I think I know how to fill the need and I have no doubt I can do it. But the question is.. DO I WANT TO DO IT? I just cannot continue, because in my heart, I really do not want to do it now. I want to do something else - and that is.. creating more purposeful videos, teaching applications rather than theories. 

Time and time again I have to ask myself - Is this really what you want? Will this really give you fulfillment? And then another part of me will say - How will you know if you're not gonna try? It's an opportunity wasted if you won't go for it. SO WHAT IS IT REALLY, huh?

Now I have to go back to the drawing board and evaluate my WHY, write down my priority (ies), and really dig deeper into what I want to focus on this year. As they say, you can do anything BUT you can't do everything. 

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